From crying in the nets to faking smiles: Inside Jemimah Rodrigues' battle with anxiety

By the time the World Cup 2025 arrived, Jemimah Rodrigues had already reinvented herself once: unlearning the familiarity of her top-order role and embracing the shifting demands that came with being a middle-order pillar in India's new ODI blueprint. The year began with her maiden ODI century – complete with the now-iconic guitar celebration – followed by another. She was, by every metric, in the form of her life.

Sport, however, rarely follows the script. In her maiden World Cup – at home, laced with expectations, and with the ghosts of the 2022 snub still lingering – Rodrigues stumbled into a cold start. A couple of ducks, her trusted shots deserting her, unconverted starts, and eventually another mid-tournament axe. From the outside it looked like an ill-timed rough patch. But bubbling beneath the surface was a different battle altogether – against anxiety – quiet, consuming and masked behind her trademark grin for the better part of the month.

In Part 1 of a tell-all interview with Cricbuzz from Australia, Jemimah Rodrigues opens up about the turbulent first half of a World Cup she endured, the emotional toll it took, and the resilience it demanded to triumph in the end.

I think the first half of my tournament I just went in crying. The first match we played in Guwahati [against Sri Lanka], I went in thinking: 'This 2025 has been good for me and I'm in good form. Let's just continue'. I didn't put too much pressure that I have to prove myself in this World Cup. Back of the mind, yes, I knew I had been dropped [for the 2022 World Cup] but I just wanted to come out and do well for the country and play my first World Cup. That excitement was always there.

And it was like the worst possible start that could ever happen, facing the first ball, getting bowled. And I couldn't believe what had happened. But, I was like, 'It's okay, it happens, next match maybe we'll try and go about'.

I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, right from the first match. I don't know, for some reason, I was not able to get rid of it. And, when you talk about anxiety, sometimes you can't psych it out. You know, the answers might be very simple. It's very easy for me to say, 'But Jemi, why are you getting scared? Or why are you feeling anxious?' But sometimes I also know the answer is very simple, but I was just not able to fight it out or get rid of it.

Someone who's going through it only will understand because at that time, you just feel numb, you know, and you can't do anything at that moment, like you're struggling. And I was actually struggling to be myself on the field. I did have a conversation with my friends during that time. It was hard, but it was also a good thing that I didn't shy away from talking about it with my close ones. And that actually helped me process a lot of it and at least I didn't have to fake it in front of them. For me, letting it out has always helped.

Aru [Arundhati Reddy] had been checking in on me every day, because she knew what I was going through. I had a conversation with Smriti [Mandhana] also and she was trying to understand what I was going through and trying to put herself in my shoes and help me out.

After winning their tournament opener against Sri Lanka, India moved on to Colombo for a crunch clash with Pakistan.

The morning of the Pakistan game, I was fine till then. I went out, I tried to do all the things that made me happy because we had I think four days off in Sri Lanka. But then the morning of the match, I was feeling too much. I had a physio session, and then I just went to my room and I started crying. I called my mom and I was like, 'I'm not feeling okay and I don't know what to do. I'm just struggling'. And then I told her what happened in the first game and how it was bothering me. How, while fielding – fielding is something I love the most but I started getting anxiety even in my fielding thinking, 'Okay, now that I've not scored, I need to do something special on the field'. I started putting so much pressure on myself in the field and I was not able to enjoy my fielding. And that is something that has always been a stress buster for me. I've always been like if not in the batting, I will try and contribute in fielding.

My mom told me one thing at that time, which I don't know if many people will be okay with her saying it but it meant the world to me. She went like, 'For me, even if right now you just want to leave the World Cup and come back home, I'm okay. And I will fight with everyone for it. But you being happy is what matters to me the most.' I was crying. I told my mom that, 'You know what, you just saying this means the world to me. I know I'll be okay now because I know that you're just valuing me for me and not for what I can do. You're understanding me.' At that moment, I just wanted someone to understand me. But if somebody has not been through it, it is hard for them to understand.

The second thing my mom told me, which really hit me at that time, she was like, 'Jem, just like you, there must be so many other people going through the same thing. Sometimes you have to go through some things [because] it's not just for you, it has a bigger purpose. It's just so that later you can go out and help them out. And just imagine like, if someone else is going through it, and you go and tell them that, "Okay, you know, I went through this in a World Cup when I was already an established player, and I still went through it." So you'll be alright [too]. When people can relate to you, it will matter to them a lot more.'

I remember in the first game actually while fielding, I did some misfielding. Like, I dived, the ball hit my hand and went for four. In the team huddle, Harry di [Harmanpreet Kaur] came to me and she spoke to me, 'Jemi, it's okay. We all have been through what you're going through right now.' Somewhere she had also figured, and she had a conversation with me. She told me that 'Even I went through it and it's okay, just try and enjoy. We are all backing you. Don't worry.' It meant a lot then just to know that my team was backing me in this.

That was how it was in the start and talking about how I processed it, I don't know, it was just taking one day at a time. But that one day was really hard to get through also sometimes.

On paper, Rodrigues made a significant middle-order contribution against Pakistan – a 37-ball 32 – but the dismissal came at a crunch time: falling to her trusted sweep, against yet another left-arm spinner, for someone widely regarded as one of the finest proponents of that very shot. Moving to Visakhapatnam, it was the same story all over again for Rodrigues vs a part-time left-armer Chloe Tryon; this time, a four-ball duck – her second of the tournament – in a crushing loss. India were due to play defending champions Australia the following Sunday.

Before the Australia game in Vizag, I'd gone for a net session. And I don't know if anyone noticed but I was crying during that net session. I went to the ground and for some reason, I started feeling anxious. Maybe because it was the same venue [as the South Africa loss], it's an Australia game, it's an important game. While batting, actually, I was crying. But I somehow tried to take a napkin and kept wiping my face. People around me thought it's sweat, so I was pretending as if it was that. But I just couldn't take it. I went back to the [hotel] and I went to Aru's room straight away and I just cried. I just cried and cried and cried. She just hugged me. All my tears were on her t-shirt, all the stains were there. So, that was one of the sessions.

Then, when I played the Australia game. At that moment, because our team had got such a good start, it was a very easy moment for me to go out there and just, I don't know how to put it forth – just play a little selfish and make sure I get my fifty for all the reasons that I was going through. But I was like, 'No, I am not that kind of a player. I want to do it for the team. And right from the first ball, I just started batting with intent. I got, I think, a good impactful innings of 32 with a good strike rate. I know I should have finished it but in charging, I got out.

Then, I had nothing to contribute in fielding. In the field, I was just diving around doing whatever it takes because that's all I knew to do. I was like, 'I'm just going to give my life out for this team and if things happen, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't.' I'm just diving around doing whatever I could. If I can say it, I just went back home and I wrote in my diary: 'I'm just proud of the fact that Jem, you played for the team and not for yourself, and that's what defines you. Maybe there are days that will come off, maybe not, but you can always take pride in the fact that you've always played for the team and not for yourself.'

A lively 21-ball 33 against Australia finally hinted at Rodrigues finding her rhythm again. But, India's two consecutive losses triggered a rethink of their bowling combinations on flat tracks, leaving Rodrigues as the shock collateral of that shift come next Sunday.

And then comes the day where, just when I thought I got that rhythm back or that one innings you need to then continue to get a big score, I got to know on the morning of the game that I'm dropped from the team. And I didn't know how to take it. To be honest, I really didn't know how to take it. Because I was already going through a lot of anxieties, a lot of pressure of struggling with my own performance. When I just felt like things fell into place, it was just like one after the other after the other things just kept happening, which I couldn't control however much I wanted to.

I was working hard, I was hitting the gym, I was doing my physio sessions, because I had to do a lot of rehab for my back. It's a long tournament, a lot of traveling, so I had to be very cautious about that. Doing everything, but then the results that I wanted weren't coming. I couldn't really control it and it was bothering me so much. That day I felt really bad.

I felt like more than anything, I just knew I could contribute to the team that day and I was prepared that way. But I couldn't do anything sitting outside, and that really hit me. And, I'll try and be as honest as possible – I went back in the room, I was okay. I was not even sure if I would play the next game or not.

Next morning, we were traveling back in the afternoon, we're traveling back to Mumbai. I sat on the flight. Smriti just exchanged seats with me on purpose so that I would be around Aru because she knew that, for these matters, Aru is better. Because I was constantly crying in front of Aru. Then we spoke of what happened and then I started listening to some very emotional, touchy song. And I started crying on the flight. And I couldn't stop crying. I was just crying and crying and crying. And Aru is trying to stop me because people will see. I also didn't want anyone to see it; she didn't want anyone to see and there were people around me, my teammates, especially. But I couldn't stop crying.

And I was not just crying, like sobbing and [imitates wheezing]. Like that. I had a pillow with me and so I just hugged that pillow and I was crying into that pillow. Aru was trying to stop me and I just looked at her and said, 'Just let me cry because there's a lot inside and if I keep it in it's not good'. So yeah, I remember I almost cried that entire flight.

Navi Mumbai would host all of India's remaining games, including the knockouts, going forward. Rodrigues slipped back to her Bandra home for a much-needed reset with family and the comfort of familiar faces. Only for all of the anxiety to come rushing back once cricketing routines resumed.

But yeah, then after that, I went home, which was nice. Because we are in Mumbai, we got permission – all of us – to just go home for some time just to have an atmosphere change. Go home, be around the people I love, play with my dog Jade. Then in the evening, my cousin was celebrating her birthday party. She postponed the party for me. So then everyone was around, we played a few games that really made me feel good. When I came back to the hotel then I was okay, then I was much better than what I was feeling. I went to practice the next day but it rained. We had a team meeting. I was absolutely myself. I did whatever I had to do.

Then the next day, just before the New Zealand game, we had a practice session, and I was feeling emotions that I never felt before. Like I was so frustrated. And usually I'm not that person. I thought, 'I am not that person. It's just okay, I'll leave it, I'll just prepare.' I wanted to prepare because maybe I might play. I didn't know till the practice session either that I'm going to play or not. So I was like, okay, I'll at least mentally prepare myself to play but I couldn't that day. I was so frustrated. I went to the nets and from the first ball, I started whacking every ball. Like you know, hitting every ball, like a T20 game because I had to. I was thinking, 'It's okay, Jemi. At least in the nets is somewhere I can just let it out, let my emotions out and express myself.' So I was just whacking every ball and then again I started crying because I was just feeling so much frustration and I didn't know what to do.

Then I remember… I went to the B ground but then again, I couldn't control. Everyone was around me. I again rushed back to the dressing room. At that time, I just called Prashant [Shetty, personal coach] sir. I told him, 'Sir, I'm feeling very frustrated. I know I need to prepare for the game tomorrow, but I'm just not able to. I don't know what to do'. I just had to let it out to someone and you know, Aru was busy and Smriti was also batting in the nets and I didn't want to put my load on them before the game. So he spoke to me. He just said, 'It's okay. It's okay. At least you're letting it out somewhere in the nets. It's good.' And we had a small conversation and I went into bat again in the nets.

Then I went to bat again in the nets and then I remember Smriti came to the nets. She started talking to me. She just helped me out during the nets. After a while, she said, okay, all sorted now. I'm going inside [main ground/open nets]. So she said, 'If you want to come, you come with me'. I said, "Yeah Smriti, I think I'll just come inside. I just don't want to be alone right now or like practice alone.' [I wanted] at least someone there. So she said, yeah, come. So I remember, by the time I went in, I think Radha and Uma were batting. I didn't want to go there because I know those people, they're these cuties [who] will come out of the nets so that I can bat. But they also should get their own practice, I thought.

So I sat next to the digital advertisement boards [by the boundary line], because where they put the shed for us to sit, there were people and I knew I was too tired to fake it. I knew I wouldn't be able to fake it. So I just sat alone there. I was just sitting and I remember then suddenly Aru comes walking to me. I'm like, 'Oh, no, if Aru comes, I'm going to start crying. She shouldn't come.' She just came because she realized something's off. Rightly, she came I started crying. So I started crying again. And I was like, I'm not able to fake it. She's like, it's okay, you don't have to fake it. Just if you want to cry, cry. It's okay, even if people understand. So I said, okay. And then by the time I just wiped my tears.

People would have figured something was wrong. But I was not sure if they figured I cried. But I'm sure they figured something is wrong. Munish Bali [fielding coach] sir also came. I said, 'No, no sir. I'm good. I'm good.' Went in the nets and I batted a little extra because there was something I just figured out with my batting and I just wanted to get that right. Just did my basic stuff.

Rodrigues initially sought a short break to go home on match-eve, but something that her friend and confidante Arundhati said nudged her toward a quick visit to the Wednesday night church service – a detour that, by her own admission, changed everything.

Later in the evening, I mean, nothing was told directly [but] indirectly, I figured out I might play tomorrow's game. Aru said, once you're back, just come to my room. Because she had done practice by then. Smriti had a gym session, but she delayed that till my batting was done. She spoke to me and I said, 'No, no, I'm fine. No, it's okay.'

I went back to the hotel, went directly to Aru's room. And I just told her all that I was feeling, whatever was happening and stuff like that. And then she told me, 'Okay, what do you want to do?' And I was just like, 'I don't know what to do right now. It's not that I've not tried. I don't like it.' Okay, then she's like, 'Do you want to go home?' So maybe I might just go home. I said, 'But today's Wednesday, we have church on Wednesday.' She's like, 'Oh, that's the best thing, go to church.' So I told her I can't go to church because I know if I go to