'When Harman or Smriti speak, this team responds differently'

In the third and final part of her interview with Cricbuzz, Jemimah Rodrigues re-lives the unbelievable night of the ODI World Cup final in Navi Mumbai and its celebrations, praises the leadership duo who steered the team through a challenging campaign, and sheds light on how life has taken a complete u-turn since winning the trophy.

Now that you've had some time and distance from all of it, has it sunk in yet?

Still not really. Sometimes I literally remind myself, okay, we won the World Cup. With all the love that we've been getting, yes, it's there, but for some reason, it's still unbelievable what has happened over the last few weeks. You've just dreamt of it all your life. I was 11 when the dream started to play a World Cup; and now, how many years later it's come true. We usually make all these plans growing up, you visualize [who will it be] when I lift the World Cup, or that I will do this. But I don't know why it's not coming. Maybe, because, I've thought of it so much that I'm not able to distinguish if it is me still visualizing or is it actually happening.

After this win, things in India are going to massively change. When we see that growth happening, so many other girls playing and playing such amazing cricket, and coming up in the WPL and in domestics, or maybe just seeing smaller girls with their dads coming out on the ground, that's when it's going to really hit us.

For the 15-year-old Jemimah who had gone to the airport to receive the 2017 runners-up batch, how much of this was manifestation and visualisation and how much was this self-belief?

It was always a dream, but I would have never thought at that moment that a few years down the line, that tiny Jemi would actually lift the World Cup and maybe play an important knock in the semifinals. It's special. It's special to just think that I was at the airport when I was 16 years old, just to pick up the girls who came from a heartbreaking loss. But that really inspired me at that time – that was always the goal – and within six months, I actually played for India and I was a part of that team. So it is crazy how life happens. Yeah, sometimes it just feels too good to be true.

You entered the World Cup in the form of your life. We only saw the bubbly, lively Jemimah on the field, but we're now aware of your struggle with anxiety all through this. Can you share what were the triggers that kept adding to your anxiety in the build-up?

Off the top of my head, first and foremost, it being a World Cup. Even the past had some [role] to play because I was dropped [for the 2022 World Cup]. So, being dropped and it being my first World Cup, I just wanted so badly to do well for all sorts of reasons. The second one, it being a home World Cup. Now, whenever I've played a World Cup, it's always been abroad. Abroad, what I do is I buy a new sim and I shut off from WhatsApp. I change my number just for that tournament because I just want my own peace and my own space.

Abroad it's also easier to go out, unwind, and not think too much. What happens in India, whenever you meet people, they mean really, really well, their intentions are good, but everyone was like, 'just get the cup home'. Wherever you go, you don't want to think of it as such a big tournament. You want to think of it as just another game. But in India, that's hard to do because wherever you go, people are going to encourage you and say things and even sometimes say mean stuff. So, the second thing was it being a home World Cup and the expectations that brought a lot of pressure on me.

The third thing would be just playing in front of a home crowd. I do enjoy a crowd, but when you're going through anxiety, sometimes that can also [be a] trigger. Just the series before the World Cup, I dropped a very simple catch of Phoebe Litchfield and someone at the boundary line said some mean comment like, 'Oh, how can you field like this? How can you drop a catch like that?' That affected me a lot. Not exactly what he said, but that just aggravated it. For me, fielding is everything. Me dropping a catch and that too, Phoebe Litchfield's catch, and that too off [Sneh] Rana's bowling… Because I knew Rana also needed that wicket; it would have given a lot more confidence [going into the World Cup]. I felt like I let the team down and then going there and [facing] that crowd. Even entering a World Cup, it's a home game, but I wasn't sure if I will be able to handle the crowd.

Growing up, I did struggle with anxiety. At that time, I didn't know it. I was always a shy person but it aggravated when my cousin sister passed away right in front of my eyes in a swimming pool. I was 6 years old and she was 4. We had gone for a vacation and all the kids were in the baby pool. She somehow went into the big pool and was drowning. Somebody yelled my name so I jumped inside but I was 6. The water was way above my head. I had my swimming glasses on and I saw her drowning over there. I called for help. They did [CPR] and took her to the hospital. But, she had passed away by then. That really, really hit me.

The insecurity and anxiety hit the roof, and I couldn't sit in a classroom full of 30 people. Like, I was in 1st standard or 2nd standard. Whenever I used to go to school, I used to start crying in the classroom. And crying loudly. I didn't know what I was feeling; I was just a kid, I was just 6 years old. My mom and my dad were trying to help. They themselves didn't understand much about mental health then, but they were trying to help me out. For an entire month, my mom came and sat outside my classroom with her laptop, working [from there] just so that every time I see out, 'okay, mom is there so I'll be okay'.

I couldn't sit in classrooms of 30 because of that incident. I tried all sorts of things to get rid of that anxiety, not feel what I'm feeling. But it just kept getting worse. The only thing that actually helped me was there's one scripture in the Bible: 'Perfect love casts out all fear'. That, my love isn't perfect but the way God loves me is perfect. And just to know that even when my anxiety is at 99%, Jesus is still with me and He still loves me the same. He doesn't want me to be perfect and anxiety-free for Him to love me. He still loves me the same. Somehow that always casted out every fear and helped me do what I had to do. I can say that my life is a testimony of how God uses the most broken people and turns them into something beautiful, because imagine from not being able to sit in a classroom full of 30 people to going out and playing in stadiums full of 84,000 people [MCG – T20 World Cup 2020 final], and so much more watching.

So, yeah, even playing in front of crowds… because I was so sensitive at that time, anything was triggering me. Anything was getting [to me]. I'd think, 'What if I drop a catch again and someone judges me from the crowd or someone says mean things?'

Then, it kept building because I was not scoring runs. I got out on a zero on my World Cup debut. Then, seeing the positive side, I did score 30-odd runs and I did play an important part in that victory but then the next match, again, I get out on zero and I get out to my favorite shot. That was bothering me a lot more. A lot of things triggered me, if that is the right word.

Who were your support system through this struggle?

Firstly, Aru. She's like the perfect best friend anyone could ever ask for. I'm so blessed that I have her. I know not playing [throughout the World Cup] how much it has pinched her and how much it has hurt her. But throughout this tournament, every single time I needed her, she was always there. I don't know a moment when she was not there for me. Every day she came and checked on me. A lot of times I tried to fake it in front of her, but it's useless because she just understands even if I don't say anything. She's just that kind of a friend. I don't think I would have been able to deal with my anxiety if it was not for Aru being there every time I cried. I lot of the times maybe she didn't have the answers to it, but I just knew that when I was crying, I was not alone, I had my best friend with me.

Smriti has also been there for me whenever I needed to talk about anything, especially during the nets, especially that [session before the] New Zealand game. For her to come and help me out with my batting – she stood till I finished, and I batted for almost four hours that day! But she stood the entire time near me because she just knew how much her presence mattered to me.

Then, Radha. She doesn't know how to express a lot. But she'll go, 'Jemi, I don't know all this but I'll stay with you.' She's been there, constantly trying to make me laugh, just taking me out to the mall or something like that. She's been praying constantly for me. She, Aru, Smriti and actually everyone in the team. After that New Zealand knock, everyone in the team was so happy for me – from Charani to Deepti to Richa, everyone – you could see it on their face. They were so genuinely happy for me. And that's all you need sometimes, just a team who loves you so, so much.

My coaches, Prashant sir and my dad, they've been a constant support emotionally and also cricket-wise, whenever I've struggled, they've comforted me. Hrishikesh [Kanitkar, former India Assistant coach] sir too. There were only a few people I've been in touch with when it came to cricket, and he's one. I called him a few times throughout this period. He has been mentoring me ever since he came into the women's setup. He has helped me immensely with my game and especially dealing with the mental aspects of it. He also helped me deal with whatever I was going through during the World Cup.

It was not easy for my mom at all. I called her crying before a few games and for her to just understand me. At the time you don't need a lot of gyaan [worldly wisdom]; you just need someone who can emotionally understand what you're going through. My mom was that person. She just somehow knew the right things to say. And sometimes it was also not saying anything – it was just about reminding me that I'm valuable to both mama and dadda, even if I don't play for India or even if I don't score. Sometimes that's all you need because my identity and my worth doesn't come from what I do. But it comes from God first because He sees value in me and my parents who see value in me for me. And I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt that even if I wouldn't play for India, my parents would still love me the same as they do today. And that for me is what gives me stability and security in life.

Off the field, whether it was social media trolling, or that for your faith, or just seeing your family become a target of allegations of religious wrong-doings – was that also contributing to how you were feeling mentally going into an important tournament?

To be honest, no. But it did affect me when it happened. That time too, it was immediately after the World Cup where we lost [knocked out in group stages]. Losing a World Cup is like slow poison. It keeps creeping. It takes a toll on you. The pressure is double in a World Cup compared to a bilateral series. I was already not able to take what happened during that World Cup, and this news comes out when we were playing the New Zealand [ODI] series. People put false allegations against my family for our faith, that we did wrong things. Whereas we had proof of everything we did. Whatever we did at the Gymkhana was according to the rules of the Gymkhana, and we have the proof of that. Those people who put allegations on us, they didn't have any proof about what had happened. But it was just a way to get publicity.

That really hit me because they put my family into it. That was a hard time. My brother Elli called me and asked, 'Are you doing okay?' And I was like, 'Not really. I don't know how to take it. It's just, already I am not able to take this. And on top of that, this is happening.' He was like, 'Don't worry. We are all in this together. You don't put your head to it. We will sort out everything whatever needs to be done.' Even as a family, we had a conversation [and decided] that we are just going to keep quiet. We know our intentions and God can be the judge for this. We are confident because we know we did things with the right intentions and we did things according to the rules and regulations because we honor that. So if anything, let God fight for us; we'll just keep quiet.

Funnily, that was exactly this time last year – somewhere last October. Exactly [12 months later] the New Zealand knock happened and the World Cup semi-finals happened and the same news channels, the same people who spoke against us, were actually the ones praising me and my family. There's a verse in the Bible that says, 'He gives you double honor for your shame.' We were accused wrongly but I think God is such a faithful God, he did restore everything.

So that's why you opened up about your mental health struggles at that particular time [after the semi-final]?

Whenever I go through something, it's just not me going through it. It's my parents who are also going through it. As parents it's very hard. Even when I was dropped from the World Cup squad [in 2022], we were having an honest conversation that day and I just broke down in front of them and said, 'I'm not doing okay. It's hurting me a lot.' So my dad also started crying and he never cries; he's very strong. But he started crying that day. He said, 'For me to go through something, I can. But when I see my own daughter, the one I love so much going through something, it's 10,000 times worse.' My mom broke down that day and said that I can't see two of the people I love the most suffering silently. At the time, we were not talking – everyone was faking it at home just to be okay for each other.

This World Cup, both of them knew exactly what I was going through. In fact, they were not supposed to travel because they had work but they left everything and came to Vizag. They came to Indore also. Just one after the other things kept happening. They also had to go through a lot.

These last 2-3 years haven't been easy for my dad. He also coaches school teams and a lot of people he comes in contact with have their own opinion, especially when you're down and out. They will come and say mean and hurtful things, and saying that 'she needs to spend less time on social media'. But nobody knows the seriousness of what I do and how hard I work. And you know how dads are like, right? My dad just kept quiet because obviously he respects them for what position they're at, but it was hurting him also someone speaking bad about their daughter and when he knows his daughter has not done anything wrong. My mom also went through the same.

And then the World Cup build up, the anxiety, them coming there [to support me still]. It was a shock for them also that I'm not playing [the England match] but they were like, 'No, we are just coming for you.' We'd been through a lot the last few months, and that moment was just God's restoration and faithfulness. He restored everything. The tears were happy tears finally. But it also carried a story of everything that had happened over the last 2-3 years and that all we've been through. You know, it was all worth it in the end. There's a scripture that says God makes everything beautiful in his time, and I think that was just that moment for us.

In the final against South Africa, putting up only 299 batting first – did it seem enough at the halfway mark given what went down in the semis on the same ground?

I think defeating Australia gave us a lot more confidence. But at the same time, we were like, okay, this is like the best opportunity to lift the World Cup. We have to do it anyhow. It wasn't the same pitch as the Australia game, it was a bit sticky with all the rain. At a point we were also like, maybe it won't be a winning score but at the same time, it's a fighting score. We were not overconfident that 300 is a winning score because 340 had been chased.

In the innings break, Harry di called us inside. She said, 'We just need to bowl 10 good balls. It's just 10 good balls, and this is our game. Don't think about that game where it was 340 and we chased it. No, that pitch was different. Today's pitch is different. So keep that in mind.' Then she asked, what do we need to do? So I was the one who said that, you know, just give our lives out kind of a thing today. We will die for every ball. As if someone we love is behind us, how would we go to protect them if the ball is there?

Smriti said, 'The only thing that's going to help us win is if we stick together as a team.' So that was the conversation we had. And everyone was there to win it. Everyone, genuinely.

This team is very different to the teams we had in the past. Everyone was so happy for others' success this time. There were a lot of ups and downs. We fight for the same places [in the line-up] but actually we're friends. But genuinely, whoever played in that position or whoever played wherever, from outside, even the people sitting out – even Aru, Radha who sat out for a long time – were just praying for the person inside to do well. For me, that defined our team. And I've not seen it before. Everyone was together. When someone was low and down, everyone went and encouraged them. Lifted them up. People showed up for each other, and that could