From bazball to zombieball: As Ashes limp on, SA20 beckons

What do you do when you have an unplanned free month on a tour? When the series you came for finishes 30 days early. Going home is costly, and home is in deep winter. Where you are is warm and welcoming.

Welcome to the life of the travelling England supporter in Australia.

The Ashes began on November 21 and was scheduled to end on January 8. But, thanks largely to England's reckless batting in the first two matches, Australia seized an unbeatable 3-0 lead by winning the Adelaide Test on Sunday.

What was set for 49 days concluded in just 19. Cricket was played on only 11 of those days. Of 2,250 allocated overs, just 786.3 were needed.

"If you are going to play silly shots, you're going to have problems," David Gower told BBC Radio 4 on Monday.

Gower captained England in the 1985 Ashes, averaging 81.33. England won four of his seven Ashes campaigns. Despite his lapses, he never batted as if he was late for a date. Unlike Ben Stokes' side now.

It's difficult to remember how bullish the English were before the series.

• Stuart Broad in October: "It's probably the worst Australian team since 2010… And it's the best English team since 2010."
• Michael Vaughan: "The rest are in their 30s now, so the age profile is a concern."
• Monty Panesar: "It'll be 3-2 or 3-1 in England's favour."
• Piers Morgan: "We're gonna beat you 5-0!"

David Lloyd, Alastair Cook, Mark Ramprakash, and Graeme Swann all predicted English series wins.

"The comments made by some of the English ex-players before the series were eyebrow-raising," said South Africa's Rassie van der Dussen on Monday. "I saw someone saying the bazballers are trying to go back to playing normal cricket. When we scored 20 runs off 100 balls they criticised us."

South Africa were also criticised for not scheduling any Test cricket at home this summer, questions that arose just after their World Test Championship final win at Lord's in June.

Considering England's ongoing struggle, and the fact that hundreds of thousands of South Africans are about to watch the SA20—a tournament where the winner is genuinely uncertain—did Van der Dussen feel like telling the critics to be quiet?

"My Test record didn't shoot the lights out, so I can't comment too much. But I suppose so."

Van der Dussen averages 30.16 in 32 Test innings. He was not happy about South Africa's Test-less summer: "The scheduling is shocking. The Boxing Day Test and the New Year's Test have always been features of our season. Hopefully it won't happen again."

"Luckily we have the SA20, and it's a really exciting time. At least there's some cricket for people to watch. Forget what's happening wherever, I think it's going to be a great month."

The SA20 has filled grounds like nothing else in South Africa. Not even matches against India, England, or Australia draw crowds like it does.

The tournament opens on Friday at Newlands with defending champions Mumbai Indians Cape Town facing Durban's Super Giants. There is great anticipation to see players like Corbin Bosch, Trent Boult, Jos Buttler, Heinrich Klaasen, Kagiso Rabada, and Aiden Markram. The ground will buzz with unpredictability.

This contrasts with the MCG on Saturday, where stands will also be full. But not because the result matters. The match is a dead rubber, as is the SCG Test starting January 4. We've had bazball. Here comes zombieball.

There is something desperate about playing an irrelevant match, likely staged only due to contractual obligations. The same goes for watching it. English fans have already paid, but why would an Australian bother?

Then again, Australians don't seem to believe Test cricket exists in their country except in December and January. So they will watch, regardless.

Because it's tradition! As is the notion that the Ashes are cricket's pinnacle because it is the original Test series. Closer to the truth is that it is an unfortunate colonial hangover unsuited to the modern world.

How about decolonising the urn by awarding it to the winner of a series between the top two ranked teams? Here's a more radical idea: maybe it's time to burn the urn.

While we're at it, let's ensure no series lasts longer than three Tests. England's players and supporters in Australia wouldn't be human if they didn't consider that.

Delusional? Maybe, but not as delusional as believing the Ashes are Test cricket's be-all and end-all. Other Test teams are available, some better than the sides playing at the MCG. South Africa proved that at Lord's in June, as have England—emphatically—over the last 11 days.

We don't need the Ashes, and comparatively few are obsessed with it. If England and Australia must have it, they should play it in a galaxy far, far away from the rest of us.